To my husband,
I don’t know what your struggles are. But I think about them all the time.
I think about what you’re wrestling with right now and what doubts or fears fill your head.
I think about your relationship with your parents and siblings.
I think about your health scares.
I think about your thoughts and emotions.
I think about your skeletons in the closet that you fear sharing with me someday.
As of now, I have no idea what your past was like.
I don’t know what has scarred you, or hurt you, or ticked you off.
I don’t know if something has happened that makes it hard for you to trust people, relationships, or God.
There’s so much I don’t know about you. There’s so much you don’t know about me.
And though I don’t even know you yet, the idea of building a relationship with you scares me.
Because when I think about all the things I struggle with, all the junk I keep hidden, and all the fear that’s built up inside of me; I fear that you won’t want to take that on.
And when I think about all the things you might be going through and all the burdens you bring to the table; I fear I won’t be able to help you or be there for you like you need. In light of all of this, I fear the strain it might cause in our relationship.
I fear the vulnerability that comes with relationships; knowing one another so intimately that no fear or secret goes unnoticed.
I worry about my own willingness to let you lead in the relationship, let alone trusting you to treasure and cherish my heart, soul and body. I’m so used to my independence and control that I fear I won’t know what to do when you take me by the hand and say “trust me”.
I’m afraid my own fear will get in the way of a great, wonderful, God-ordained thing.
But here’s why I’m writing to you (and the world) today.
When I think about all these things, and ponder on our future together, I realize more and more how much we need God to be in every single part of our relationship.
I can’t predict the future. I can’t see into the unknown. I can’t control every outcome. And I have no idea what’s going to happen or how I’m going to handle it. And that scares me! But I do know who holds the future and who controls every outcome. That alone is the only thing that gives me hope and it has to be enough for me to go by.
You see, there’s no way we can do this relationship on our own.
There is no Earthly way possible we can deal with all the baggage you bring, on top of the junk I bring to the table. Not without God. If we rely on God in every aspect of our relationship, He’ll equip us for the journey with patience, understanding and wisdom. He will guide us every step of the way, if we let him.
I don’t know a lot about you. But knowing God is going to be in every single part of our relationship, from the first meeting to our final breath on Earth, I’m not near as afraid.
We can handle those tough conversations with grace. We can talk about our fears and failures without fear of judgement. We can love each other through the good, the bad and the ugly. I don’t have to worry about these things, because by the grace of God, we will humbly be able to handle it.
So now, I can be excited about the adventure at hand. I can look forward to our first date, our long theological conversations (because I love those), and our infinite amount of coffee dates. I can anxiously anticipate the day you propose, the day we buy a house and the day we find out I’m pregnant. Together we can deal with deaths in the family, sending our kids to college, handling a financial crisis, and growing old together.
There’s no need to be afraid of this beautiful, life-long relationship when it’s in the hands of the one who put us together and is constantly guiding our steps.
I cannot wait to share my heart with you.
With love,
Lottie
Lottie Brooke 